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Today's Article: # 754

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Scene of some of Paul Goldberg's greatest business ventures

Wednesday-Saturday, July 1-4, 2009

SORRY, IT’S THE WRONG PAUL

The pope is now claiming another milestone in the history of the Roman Catholic Church: the remains of St. Paul have been discovered. According to an article in The Guardian, "Pope Claims Human Remains Belong to St. Paul, published on June 29, 2009:

Human remains found beneath the Vatican have been identified as belonging to St Paul, Pope Benedict XVI said, apparently laying to rest the mystery of a tomb first discovered in the city in 2006 …

… The pope said the tomb had not been opened but that a probe inserted through a small hole had revealed traces of purple linen decorated with gold sequins, blue material and red incense grains as well as the remains. "Small fragments of bone were carbon dated by experts who knew nothing about their provenance and results showed they were from someone who lived between the first and second century," he said.

"This seems to confirm the unanimous and uncontested tradition that these are the mortal remains of Paul the apostle," he said, adding that the discovery "fills our souls with great emotion".

The use of the words "unanimous" and "uncontested" seem quite curious. I am no expert on biblical history, but I am sure that many people have questioned the validity of the statement made by the pope (who is named after a method of cooking eggs). Plus, I find it quite odd that he gave legitimacy to the carbon-14 dating method, one which in the past, has been refuted by many Catholic officials. Normally, a carbon-14 dating shows the errors in the Vatican’s version of history. But, this time, because it may show a similar time-line, the scientific method is used as proof. Also, I wonder how these could be attributed to one man who created a legend, when in Rome between the first and second centuries, millions of people died and their remains, in many cases, are still visible.

My questioning of the statement by the CEO of the Catholic Church led me to conduct more research into the matter. I called in some markers of people whom I have helped in the past.

With all the information I have received, I must conclude that Benedict has mis-identified the remains. The name Paul is the same, but the individuals are different.

According to my sources, the location of the bones indicate that they came from a famous area of Rome in which street vendors sold their goods. Most sold the normal tourist stuff: statues of Roman gods and goddesses as well as replicas of the Coliseum. But, one Jewish vendor changed the trade and expanded its depth: Paul Goldberg.

He began to sell replica Christian crosses and Jewish Stars of David. His business went through the roof. Eventually, he traveled to Iberia, where the minimum wage was considerably lower than that of Rome and farmed the work out to the Iberians.

But, Goldberg was not totally satisfied with his new venture. He began the first off-Coliseum betting business in the world. When the gladiators were scheduled for fights-to-death, he listed odds outside the Coliseum and many people wagered with or against the posted odds.

When the makeup of the fights changed to the Christians vs. the lions, Goldberg changed his methods and posted the odds of how long the Christians would last before they were eaten. Unlike the previous combat at the Coliseum in which there was a question about who would win, the lions always won, so he devised the new system of time endured. Goldberg was a benevolent person and he donated 20% of the takings to the families of the Christians for burial.

Finally, Goldberg found a business venture that gave him a much larger clientele than those who visited the Coliseum. He carved statements in rocks that became very popular with Romans, who bought them and had their slaves carry them to put in front of their houses. Once a neighbor saw one of these, he had to have one himself. Popular statements were: "Rome, Love it or Leave it," and "We Support the Legions."

Goldberg died a rich man whom the Romans adored. The recent discovery of his bones has created a resurrection of Goldbergism in Rome.

Goldberg was an innovator who passed his genes along to successive generations. In fact, the 20th century’s greatest engineer and inventor, Rube Goldberg, is a descendant of the 78th generation of Paul Goldberg.

I implore the pope to allow Goldberg’s bones to rest in pieces.

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* Please disregard the following MP3 link, unless you want to listen to Jimi Hendrix' version of the Star Spangled Banner from the Woodstock Festival of 1969. My website software said it had deleted the link, which was inserted for a previous article, but it still remains. I will be contacting the software people to gain information on how to delete the link.