said, apparently laying to rest the mystery of a tomb first discovered in the city in 2006
…
… The pope said the tomb had not been opened but that a probe inserted through a small hole had revealed
traces of purple linen decorated with gold sequins, blue material and red incense grains as well as the remains. "Small fragments
of bone were carbon dated by experts who knew nothing about their provenance and results showed they were from someone who
lived between the first and second century," he said.
"This seems to confirm the unanimous and uncontested tradition that these are the mortal remains of Paul the
apostle," he said, adding that the discovery "fills our souls with great emotion".
The use of the words "unanimous" and "uncontested" seem quite curious. I am no expert on biblical history,
but I am sure that many people have questioned the validity of the statement made by the pope (who is named after a method
of cooking eggs). Plus, I find it quite odd that he gave legitimacy to the carbon-14 dating method, one which in the past,
has been refuted by many Catholic officials. Normally, a carbon-14 dating shows the errors in the Vatican’s version
of history. But, this time, because it may show a similar time-line, the scientific method is used as proof. Also, I wonder
how these could be attributed to one man who created a legend, when in Rome between the first and second centuries, millions
of people died and their remains, in many cases, are still visible.
My questioning of the statement by the CEO of the Catholic Church led me to conduct more research into the
matter. I called in some markers of people whom I have helped in the past.
With all the information I have received, I must conclude that Benedict has mis-identified the remains. The
name Paul is the same, but the individuals are different.
According to my sources, the location of the bones indicate that they came from a famous area of Rome in which
street vendors sold their goods. Most sold the normal tourist stuff: statues of Roman gods and goddesses as well as replicas
of the Coliseum. But, one Jewish vendor changed the trade and expanded its depth: Paul Goldberg.
He began to sell replica Christian crosses and Jewish Stars of David. His business went through the roof.
Eventually, he traveled to Iberia, where the minimum wage was considerably lower than that of Rome and farmed the work out
to the Iberians.
But, Goldberg was not totally satisfied with his new venture. He began the first off-Coliseum betting business
in the world. When the gladiators were scheduled for fights-to-death, he listed odds outside the Coliseum and many people
wagered with or against the posted odds.
When the makeup of the fights changed to the Christians vs. the lions, Goldberg changed his methods and posted
the odds of how long the Christians would last before they were eaten. Unlike the previous combat at the Coliseum in which
there was a question about who would win, the lions always won, so he devised the new system of time endured. Goldberg was
a benevolent person and he donated 20% of the takings to the families of the Christians for burial.
Finally, Goldberg found a business venture that gave him a much larger clientele than those who visited the
Coliseum. He carved statements in rocks that became very popular with Romans, who bought them and had their slaves carry them
to put in front of their houses. Once a neighbor saw one of these, he had to have one himself. Popular statements were: "Rome,
Love it or Leave it," and "We Support the Legions."
Goldberg died a rich man whom the Romans adored. The recent discovery of his bones has created a resurrection
of Goldbergism in Rome.
Goldberg was an innovator who passed his genes along to successive generations. In fact, the 20th
century’s greatest engineer and inventor, Rube Goldberg, is a descendant of the 78th generation of Paul Goldberg.
I implore the pope to allow Goldberg’s bones to rest in pieces.
